Work Shop

“What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finding what caused your negative Attitudes- Work Shop

Attitude: Manner, disposition, feeling, position toward a person or thing. 

Ruin: the downfall, decay or destruction of something.    

Negative attitudes can ruin you. It isn't enough to say, "think positive". Sometimes one has to trace back to where it all started to go wrong.

The point where your attitude changed for the worse we will call a "ruin", because to some degree it was brought about by downfall, decay or destruction of yourself. 

Let's assume that the natural healthy state of mind is positive, cheerful and effective. Many of us feel that way most of the time. Some don't. All of us have times when we feel less than up to par. 

So let us think of "ruin" as an inability, rather than something that was done to you. We don't have to buy into the victim mentality that is so often foisted upon us. Let us look at this from an attitude of taking charge of yourself; that is, taking charge of your own life. It isn't, "I'm the way I am because my father and mother both died when I was young.” 

It is more that when you found that both father and mother were gone, you felt inadequate in some way. Maybe you felt helpless, or lost. Or maybe you were  You were unable to do anything about it. So when you look at that moment in time you are looking for two things, the inability you felt you had at that time, and an attitude you developed to compensate for it. 

Not everyone has such a disastrous beginning in life, but most of us have had upsets here and there. Picking up the last time you were badly upset can be painful to remember, but if instead of feeling victimized, you look for an inability, an inadequacy that you had at the time, and put that into words it can be a good place to start. There are probably far more ruins, or inabilities, than there are people. 

So you find that last upset and look for what inability of yours was present then. Put it into words. If it is your "ruin" you will find it present in similar situations throughout your life. You will find that you feel the effect of this. You may even realize that if you don't do something about it that you may get worse. You may feel a need to change this condition. 

At that moment of ruin, you still wanted to survive. There was something that you did to compensate for your inability, perhaps to cover up the fact of that weakness, or to deny it. 

You came up with an Attitude. Attitude now with a capital "A" to distinguish it from the many different attitudes you have about different things on a daily basis. 

The inability you had then is the key to viewing the Attitude, because you may not even know you have an Attitude that is affecting your self-esteem or relationships badly. You do know it because other people keep pointing out that you are "so sad" "so angry" or "so reserved, “ but you have no idea how it came about or how to change it. It becomes the "it's just the way I am" attitude about Attitude." No matter what inability you had then, (and perhaps still have now) it is the defense mechanism you created afterwards that everyone else reads as "Attitude" that is ruining you now. By the way, Attitude with a capital "A" is always negative in this workshop.

Here is an example. Little Johnny goes to school every day and has to pass the house of Brutus, who is a bully. Johnny gets pushed around frequently, not really physically hurt, but generally mistreated and downgraded. "You stupid little runt, you couldn't hold your own with a girl." 

Johnny feels the effect of all of this, and he also feels that he is unable in some way to cope in this situation. Perhaps he feels an inability to stand up for himself. It is hard enough facing the bully, but to have to face himself and his inability to stand up for himself really begins to ruin him. He goes home and complains to Dad, who tells him to fight it out next time the bully comes by. 

Well, Johnny knows he can't do that so he develops an Attitude. He solves this problem by walking three extra blocks to school to avoid the bully. He develops an Attitude of avoidance. 

You see Johnny years later. He has a little trouble looking you in the eye. If you try to give him a job to do that you know he isn't going to enjoy, somehow it gets set aside until last, or, he passes it on to another to do. You use your own words to describe Johnny to your friends. "He has a sort of creepy attitude" you say, "not really someone to help you out in a pinch." You instinctively distrust him. 

Johnny's boss comes around and points out that he is being slack in getting his work done. Does Johnny straighten up and fly right? No, not if he has a core "Attitude". He may do the work sooner or later, but mostly later because he is trying to avoid it. Consciously Johnny may say to himself, "I better get my act together and get this work done", but he will start it, and then start to avoid it. The Attitude has become ingrained. That is why I spell it with a capital "A". 

The Attitude tends to stick to one. A person wears it on his shirt sleeve, so to speak, like a man in love. You see Attitude in the way people walk, and talk, look at you, or move their hands. It isn't hard to see the other guy's Attitude. What is hard is to spot your own. 

You say, "Someone says something to me, and I'm always on the defensive. I know it is a bad attitude, but I just keep on doing it." The Attitude can't release until one has at least spotted what was going on in life before the Attitude started. That is why you look for the ruin. The ruin was the inability one felt one had during a time of upset or loss. The Attitude was how he resolved the problem.

"Get over it" may be good advice, but it is also an attitude. It just barely makes the grade of a positive attitude. It is the pushy sort of attitude one does to ward off the whining and complaining of others. An attitude is always an attempt to survive. Problem is, Attitude with a capital A is always a wrong answer, a bad habit pattern.

Okay, so this is a self-help book, so you need to look, if you can, at your own "ruin." Find a recent upset. Find out what inability you had, then put it into your own words. Look back across your life at similar type of upsets, and find out if that same inability was present in all the situations. If not, look for another upset and find an inability you had at that time, put it into words and see if that inability traces back to earlier incidents in your lifetime. 

Finding the inability that is "ruining" you, putting it into words so you can clearly define it, can help put you back in control. This same type of situation is probably still affecting you. It becomes a downward spiral and it will get worse unless you take steps to change it. 

Finding your "ruin", that is, the inability you have/had rather than blaming others is a first step in recovery. The next step is to spot the Attitude you developed to compensate for that inability. 

People do overcome these inabilities. Sometimes they just grow out of them. There was this lady who told me about a reunion years after she graduated High School. This one male classmate came forward, shook her hand and was genuinely glad to see her. "Things have sure changed," she mentioned. "When you were in school I thought you didn't like me. You always seemed to have a chip on your shoulder." The classmate moved closer to her, partly covered his mouth with his hand and said quietly, "I was shy." 

Maybe if it had been put in terms of an inability he might have said, "I had an inability to talk to girls" or some such thing. The Attitude used to handle that inability, a chip on the shoulder, a macho man. Not him at all. At least not the man he grew to be, a positive, effective man who could admit his weaknesses and get on with life.

Not everyone is so lucky to outgrow his Attitudes. Some people spend years trying to whittle away at them. Spotting the ruin that preceded the Attitude may not be the entire solution, but it is a step in the right direction. It always helps to know "why the Attitude". Just remember to look at it from the view of inability, rather than blaming the other person. That alone is progress.

Once you recognize a pattern, and you will, your cognition will have no boundaries once you recognize and realize that all you need to do is turn that negative inability into a positive ability. You can turn around what has been going wrong. You can find that pattern and change it!